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Two Sides of Me 2017

Even my sweetheart Ginger straightens me up as my lean to the right revisits me in moments of fatigue. Or perhaps the lean is always there throughout my hours of dancing. With all my awareness and my dancing there are clearly two sides to my movement and distinct sensations. Perhaps my feeling of having to direct every new learned movement is correct times two.

Today I will honor two different worlds. On my left is the world of steadiness, a whole sensation throughout. There is vague sense of having to hold on, a clue from Rachel Meador that my left foot was always gripping the floor as if I were going to fall to the left. On my right is the world of collapse, yielding somehow to a deep sensation of trauma.

There is a reluctance to both sides that do not want to be stirred. One Feldenkreis session with Matt Williams ended with his observation that he had to bypass lots of resistance, find alternate routes to move my legs.

I did not pursue the sessions out of a fear to face the ache I would find there from previous trauma. The reluctance is still there, aches not wanting to be touched but the rewards of movement call too strongly to resist.

So today I enter the delight of the dance with a bit of caution. I know that the echoes from past traumas will ache to not be stirred. Or perhaps they will gladly yield to movement as they want to do.

The image that will replace my caution is two versions of the wave down and the wave up, the rising and falling at the core of a dancer’s awareness. On my left I will introduce a spongy loosening of the firmness. The emphasis will be on the downward wave. For my right side I will introduce a springy playful emphasis on the upward wave.

As I move, the sensations are both very distinct. My left side seems to be in new territory, having to release in new ways to feel the downward wave. My right is likewise a little unsure like it has always relied on having a buddy leading on the left.

I explore the double helix image differently for each side. On the left, I shape the image as collapsing vertically to allow a spongy quality to the movement. For my right, the shape is the rising buoyant nature of the rotating double helix. The quality of springy is a continuous upward feeling.

The images come and go from my awareness giving me the clue that either I do not want to go there or I need to allow the image to work outside my awareness to go past the fear. I gently bring the images back and observe. I will have to repeat this experience many times to get a read on what is actually happening.

My movement on the other hand is very demonstrative. My ankles give way and respond to my arches in very fluid ways. My movement is more sweeping and my looping floor patterns are surprising. I welcome all the movement and notice the ending of phrases going into twists that engage the rotation from hip, through the mid back to the opposite shoulder.

I follow this rotation as I build awareness in turns that move forward into the cross body twist and then into a backward version of the twist for the opposite side of the turn. The 360 degree quality in my body is very satisfying.

Moving side to side I engage the rotation in the Dancer’s Diaphragm under the arms while sensing the rotation in the opposite hip,leg, and feet. My hope is that these movements will give me more awareness and access to the leaning into my right side.

More sessions will tell. I can integrate the experience at the end of the rotations and even feel the echoes of trauma in my hip. Standing still afterwards causes me to avoid the sensations. Perhaps in another session a portabrae will help.
Tim Hurst 12/30/17

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Health Experiements

Health concerns are at the top of my list today. Bladder infected areas are benign but I feel fatigued. Next area to examine is the prostate. Also troublesome are wide swings in blood pressure and sugar response.

Dance experiments have been a daily part of keeping my attitude bright and my focus on the overall healing my system is attempting to keep up with. By keeping my focus clear and shifting throughout my body, I have kept pain areas from tensing and kept other areas from spasms that sympathetically respond to the stressed areas.

So every time I begin a dance phrase, my entire body brain enters a bright attitude toward movement connections. It is the connections that engage the networks of the body brain.

This attitude of responsive inquiry helps my blood pressure. I continue to ask how I can consistently respond to these times of intensity.

Concerning the bladder and prostate, I find help in freeing the area to receive more oxygen. My experiments with movement of the pelvic diaphragm are helpful. Adding the hands to assist the movement makes new connections for the pelvic floor muscle to expand and contract.

I just began consulting with a Physical Therapist to explore their approach to the pelvic diaphragm. With my experiments and study of these muscles in Pilates, I am eager to see the exercises PT’s give to a broad range of people. I am aware that the source of the exercises are from dancers who pioneered the attention to the pelvic floor.

The value of PT is the way they have chosen one aspect of a movement and through repetition explored its effects. I will benefit from the specific exercises and I will ask questions that will lead me further.

Today I had many realizations of the importance of the dance image but I will have to write those another day.
Tim Hurst 12/29/17

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What’s a Brain Split to a Dancer?

In a movement meditation I came across the reason my mind seems to freeze. It is the reason I apply too much force when trying to learn new patterns and why I retreat to improvisation that allows space for me to try variations of the pattern.

Playing with eye movements, I followed one hand with one eye and then closing that eye followed my hand with the other eye. I discovered two completely different worlds in my experience of each eye. My left eye followed an expansive fluid flowing world. My left eye moved easily in all directions and my emotion was joyous and curious. My right eye was limited in its movement, resisting peripheral movement.

Comparing the two eyes in a panoramic movement from one side to the other, I again felt the difference. With my left eye, I felt the fluidity of movement and the ability to vary the speed from extremely slow to fast. With my right eye, there was more limitation. I was surprised that every action seemed to be a command with a pause between each directed movement. The effect was jerky and abrupt movement.

From the Anat Baniel Method, the description of this difference might mean a problem with my brain mapping my body. Baniel suggests that recognizing differences in movement is a first step to remapping the brain.

Following her process, I brought attention to my two eyes and began to build the puzzle pieces that would distinguish the different experiences of my left eye and right eye. It is almost like conversing with both experiences gives the brain the time to map the difference and begin an integration period that connects those areas of the brain.

The difficulty became apparent in the panic feelings I felt when exploring the experiences of my right eye. I needed some movement that would allow me to follow my right eye without building more panic.

I chose an image of fractal movement that begins as purposeful and immediately follows multiple variations. My wish is that with this image I can distinguish the differences in the experiences of using both eyes.

Fractal movement begins with a simple curved movement. The same movement is repeated with an added curve somewhere near the middle of the move. The variation can be a bump or a semicircle or a loop. The second movement with the variation is repeated adding another curve on the first variation bump, semicircle, or loop.

At this point, the brain begins to play with adding loops upon loops that become circles upon loops in a playful movement that never ends. My brain can not conceive and direct this level of complexity but with play I am asking myself to allow a continuous flow of experiences.

This is extreme yet I found some responsiveness in both eyes. I hope to explore what is needed for both eyes, whether beginning the process many times help or if panic arises.

The image is not related to Anat Baniel Method but I will use the principles of attention, extremely slow movement, and variation.
Tim Hurst 11/09/17

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Dancer Vulnerability

What fascinates me about dancers is not so much the process of perfection but the day by day vulnerability. Every class is applying the insights from yesterday to a personal set of changing bodily and emotional needs. The demands are a heightened sense of attention, focus, and awareness. And every day is different.

I have put my self in the middle of that vulnerability. First by beginning ballet as an adult with many physical limitation. Lately I decided to enter the ultimate unsettling experience of taking an advanced ballet class with dance teachers and students I admire.

My intent is kind of like riding as a passenger with a professional race car driver. I will not be able to grasp the level of skill of the driver, but I will be in the middle of their experience. After a few times, I calm myself to be able to sort through the blur of directions and movements.

Whenever I can, I sit and watch dance classes. Having tried the professional’s class, I have been in the ultimate vulnerability so I can begin to understand the courage each dancer has in going into a class pushing their limits physically and emotionally.

What is valuable is my experience of the professional’s uplifted focus and willingness to commit to the slowest and the fastest movement sequences. With my experience of the musicality of melody and rhythm, I am able to observe how each individual approaches movement just a little differently.

Mainly I am surrounded with so much inner delight. Each dancer in the class is at a different skill level and they are fully committed to enter that much vulnerability for new insights on their experience. I am in awe of each person there.
Tim Hurst 09/26/17